ask-elizabeth.com

Yes, if you're a stereotypical girl obsessed with boys, fashion, and all things pink, you can head over to www.ask-elizabeth.com for advice from none other than Elizabeth Burkley (aka Jesse Spano or that bimbo from Showgirls.)

I don't know what's more disturbing about this. Maybe it's the fact the this person had decided to mentor America's young girls. Or that whomever she paid to badly design her site thinks that America's young girls are attracked to this bullshit. (They should have seriously used a focus group.) Plus, since Showgirls, Elizabeth has pretty much been off the radar. IMDB So these girls won't know who she even is. Watch the ask-elizabeth video under "mission" for proof of that. Several of the girls posing questions - that are totally scripted - roll their eyes at her. That made my morning. :)

Plus now, I can bug Carlene, who showed me the site, by humming the annoying song playing in the background. No, not Coldplay, the na na na na na na song. Don't forget to sign up everyone you know for the ask-elizabeth.com newsletter! Carlene will hate me by the end of the day. :)

The Ultimate Harry Potter Personality Quiz

Find out your Harry Potter personality at LiquidGeneration!

A Letter to J.K. Rowling

Dear Jo:

Thank you for years of enjoyable reading, ignored plot holes and convenient plot devices. We all can't be perfect AND worth a billion dollars!

As a whole I have enjoyed the Harry Potter books for what that's worth. I have a majority of the books in hard back and I pre-ordered the Deathly Hallows just like 99% of the free world. I don't believe you owe me anything but I believe you owe the people, young and old, who contributed to your fortune a decent ending to characters they've loved and cherished for the past 10 years. I am not talking about the piece of crap that is entitled "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows."

You have one year to produce a work that wraps up the adventures of Harry, Ron, and Hermione in a sensible way that does not include any convenient magical errors or unexplained bullshit. Also, give Harry a spine for Christ's sake. And the death count...yeah, you can run that by me first before you kill anyone since you can't seem to tell the difference between important and unimportant characters.

Is this an empty threat? What could a thirty something single mom do to keep Jo awake at night when her own conscience doesn't? Money. No more movie tickets, books, merchandise for me or my son. And I will encourage everyone I know to do likewise. I know that will amount to pennies in your Scrooge McDuck like vault but hey, that's all I can do. To do anything more would just be crazy.

Crazy like killing two of the best characters in the HP series and letting Harry live happily ever after just because you're afraid of 10 year old suicide bombers. Harry dies, Jo. And he deserves to for still believing the lies of Albus Dumbledore. Harry was used and manipulated for 7 books by the man and he names his son after him. That's seriously fucked up, Jo. Maybe you have some father issues yourself. A billion dollars will buy you and your family a hell a lot of counseling after you've re-written book 7.

Hugs and kisses,

Jen

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

I heart Harry Potter so I fandangoed us tickets for opening night. Unfortunately, it is only being shown on the EAST side in the now hella ghetto theater. No reclining stadium seats and no 36 inches between you and the moron sitting next to you. Apparently the Transformers still needs showings every 10 minutes which I'm finding harder and harder to believe.

*NOTE To the people who brought their 2 year old to this PG-13 movie: why? (Since I have a 2 year old, I reserve the right to judge other parents of toddlers. ) I won't even let Layne watch the end of GoF and I certainly wouldn't let him see most of this movie. WTH, people. Hire a sitter.

What I didn't like about this movie was it felt very choppy. They tried to touch on as my many plot points as possible and it just felt rushed and jumbled. There are a lot of NEW characters like Tonks and Kreacher that will return and hardly got any screen time. And old faces like Lupin and Draco were barely there as well. I really wished that they would have added another 45 minutes. Most summer movies have been pushing 3 hours. I for one wouldn't have complained.

What I wanted to see: More scenes with Snape at the house and just more at the house in general. The scene where Harry and the kids go to the hospital and see Neville with his parents. More of Snape's flashbacks. More Tonks. She is the coolest female character and got the boys asking who's that. What happened to Frieze the centaur or however you spell his name?

What I actually like about the movie: the Weasley Twins. They had the best lines as usual but I miss the unkept locks from GoF. Their exit from the school was almost as enjoyable as what happens in the book. I liked Umbridge as a sweetly evil woman. And I did like Sirius' death except I didn't get the chance to cry since we were rushed off to the next scene.

The most disturbing part of the movie was Voldemort standing at the station in his black suit. Omg, he was hot. Maybe it was my reaction that I found disturbing but he is now on the list of do-able characters. Sure, he doesn't have a nose, but he dresses well. Maybe it's just the power that makes him hawt, but if Snape is evil, I'm already half way converted. Bring on the disturbing fantasies.

The last 20 minutes kicked ass and the "love" scenes weren't too painful. Overall this was an ok HP movie. I still love Prisoner of Azkaban the most and I think Goblet of Fire was planned out better. It still beats the overly naive Chris Columbus poo that was the first two movies.

7.5/10

The Transformers

Sean loves the Transformers and many other 80's toys. Since he sat through the 300 with me, I thought I owed him this one.

What a load of ....

Ok, big robots destroy stuff is the basis of the movie. Shaia LaBeoff (I really can't stand him or his stupid name) "stars" in this. He's an awkward teen with many awkward moments. Of course conveniently enough the girl he spends his lonely nights fantasizing about follows him along on his adventure.

Really, I've experienced my quota of awkward teen moments in reality and in the movies/tv. I found myself hanging out in the bathroom until it got to the action.

Visually, the movie is pretty cool. There are some cute moments with Bumblebee and I would love a transforming car but I think Vera would be a hell of a lot meaner than Bumblebee. She is German after all.

There really is no message to the movie except come back for Transformers 2 and join the army. I found myself actually agreeing with the Christian review site. Weird isn't it? The hot girl really did show her girls a bit too much.

5/10

Pirates 3

So Sean emailed everyone on my behalf to demand that they go see Pirates 3 with me on my night off. He said basically that I didn't listen to critics - I liked bad movies - and that I would see anything with Johnny Depp - I am man hungry.

I really love Sean but I am concerned with his opinion of me.

Of course I did want to see Pirates 3 so we went. Thus my review. I'll avoid spoilers as Martika may not have seen it.

Two Words: over indulgent. Or is that one word?

I really, really, really enjoyed Jack's hallucinations. Less for the naughty implications and more for the amusement.

I disliked that I kept thinking that for the amount of money that was spent on this very long movie, we could buy Mt. Vernon or maybe cure cancer.

Captain Barbosa kicks ass. He suddenly became the greatest character.

I could really care less about Will and Elizabeth. The ending was a little too sappy. Sean could attest to my snorts and moans during those scenes. But it wasn't to the point of physical discomfort as say those scenes in Episode 2.

The Singapore scenes were cool. Setting wise, this was the best of the 3.

Keith Richards kind of scares me.

It's cute how they maintain the background characters in all three movies. And more of the minor people got more screen time in this one. (It was 3 hours long. )

Seriously, there is a pirate benetton.

Overall, the movie was ok. It was too long but not Titanic living hell long. And all those really apparent clever plot twists aren't that unpredictable so...it dragged. But I love the Captain Jack yet I am not man hungry.

7/10

Scrubs Season Finale

Scrubs

John Dorian must die. Painfully. If they are picked up for season 7, I wish that every episode could be centered around the painful torture and eventual physical destruction of John Dorian.

No, he is not cute or a sympathetic character. He is self center and self serving.

Kim is finally back and only a month away from giving birth to his monster child. She would have done better not seeing him ever again. No, I don't sympathize with men who can't handle being a father and run away from commitment.

The episode ends with J.D. and Elliot in the on-call room moments away from kissing and self destructing their relationships - again. They both deserve to burn for hurting the people that care about them.

2/10.